PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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