there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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