You're a womanizer and a bitch.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
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