when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
