mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
