just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
