Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
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It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
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She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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