so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
