my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
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