I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
