just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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