Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
