Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
