Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
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