The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
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