I can feel you judging me through the phone.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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