god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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