census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
