you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
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The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
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A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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