you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
