Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
