he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
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