sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Guys Hate When Girls Do These 29 Cringeworthy Things
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off