Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT