i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.