Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
