If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
