So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
