Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
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I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
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We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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