He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
