I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
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