How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.