theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
