8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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