I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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