People in love make me want to vomit
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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