I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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