My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
