Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
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At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
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You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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