The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
