I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
He did a backflip because drugs
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
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