I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
