My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Randomize
