I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
