but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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