Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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