omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
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Pass out mid-funnel last night.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
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I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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