i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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