Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
