That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
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I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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