I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize