he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
