Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
