i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Randomize
