watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize