My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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